


A reason to stay

by Owlace



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Akaashi is Bokutos world, Akaashi is a good boyfriend, Akaashi’s mother is the sweetest, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Bokuto centric, Bokuto has a fear of abandonment, Bokuto needs a hug, Fluff and Angst, Fukurodani - Freeform, It Gets Better, I’m sorry, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Probably ooc, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, We love her, akaashi centric, high school setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26698471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owlace/pseuds/Owlace
Summary: Ever since he was a child Bokuto had worried about being left behind, he was scared to be alone because when you’re alone, that’s when the thoughts of self hatred fill your mind. One day his strong facade is shattered when it all becomes to much, Bokuto wants to give up and leave it all behind. There’s only one person who can prevent the inevitable. It’s his world. Akaashi Keiji.Fic based on the song ‘Would Anyone Care’ Citizen Soldier.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 1
Kudos: 68





	A reason to stay

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy. It’s another angsty fic :) if anyone knows me they know I love all things angsty and dramatic, so I thought why not write one for my favourite babies so here I am.  
> At the moment it seems to be a trend to write a fic every 7 days. It’s completely unintentional.  
> The triggers are listed in the additional tags but just incase anyone missed them here they are again.  
> !TW!  
> Self harm  
> Suicide  
> Mental breakdowns 
> 
> I want yall to know you are loved and it gets better and I love you and stay safe.

Everyone knew they were in for a rough day as soon as the day has begun, Bokuto hadn’t hit one of Akaashi’s sets. Yet they knew him well enough to know this wasn’t one of his usual mood swings, there was a lot more too it this time. There was no whines of frustration as he tried to explain himself, no loud boisterous behaviour when he was all hyped up. His hair was flat, not like when his hair deflates when he finds himself in his emo mode. This was different, his signature owl hair style hung limply in front of his face shadowing his golden orbs like he had made no attempt to style it this morning. He’d been unusually quiet, secluded. It hurt to him this way. No matter how hard his team tried to hype him up or talk to him, cheer up their team captain and their talented ace it just didn’t work. They could see right through his forced smiles usually he was radiating with energy but it just wasn’t there anymore. His Aura was so different. 

Alarm bells started ringing when he approached Yukie, one of the managers handing her an envelope of money. “Everything I’ve owed you is in there.” He said simply. Yukie was no stranger to having Bokuto borrow money and notes from her she had generally stopped caring whether or not he returned them or not. She knew the money was used for a good reason and Bokuto wasn’t academically talented he could use her notes more than she could. So when all of a sudden it was all being returned it was enough to raise some concern. Yukie quickly addressed with the team who all agreed Bokuto’s state was a concern yet nobody could get to him. He had always been a challenge to work with but of course they loved him. Throughout this time Akaashi, Bokuto’s world had been awfully quiet. He had done nothing but analyse Bokuto’s behaviour and try pinpoint a reason to his sudden change of mood. 

At lunch things started to look a little more on the upside as Bokuto became a little more conversational but nothing to the extent of his usual personality but it was a start. Everyone had tried to push the silver haired third year for answers all day yet to no avail. They decided to stop pressing him an explanation it clearly wasn’t working. The end of the day rolled around and they all said their ‘see yous’ or ‘talk to you laters’ to each other. Akaashi turned to Bokuto. “I’ll see you tomorrow Bokuto-San.” He said softly, what came next sent shivers down the setters spine. Bokuto lifted his head to look Akaashi dead in the eye. 

”Goodbye, Akaashi.” He said with a small smile tugging on the corners of his lips he turned on his heal and waved before walking off. This eerie feeling overcame Akaashi. Something was wrong. But what? He couldn’t work it out. Usually the Ace was an open book. His emotions were easily readable it was clear what he was feeling at any moment but this was so strange he just couldn’t put his finger on it. The feeling in the pit of his stomach scared him. It was an easy feeling, like something was going to happen. Naturally Akaashi brushed it off. Bokuto would be fine, he’d come in tomorrow his hair styled upwards in his signature style, a beaming smile on his face daring to go, he would hit everyone of Akaashi’s sets and it would be fine. Like nothing ever happened. Today would be history never to be spoken off again. 

Upon arriving home to the small apartment he lived in with his mother Akaashi slipped off his shoes at the front door announcing his arrival walking into the kitchen where his mother stood beaming at him. Akaashi’s mother had been his rock his whole life, his dad had passed away when he was young he never really knew him. His mother had single handily raised Keiji, everything he knew was from her, they talked about everything and she always had advice for him. “Bokuto-San was acting really odd today.” Keiji said as he sat down at the kitchen table resting his chin in the palm of his right hand. 

”How so?” She asked as she continued to prep the food. 

”I don’t know...he’s been so quiet, and his hair wasn’t styled he paid Yukie every penny back that he owed it. He couldn’t hit a single set.” Keiji explained to his mother. Her gaze softened she knew how much her son cared for the third year. Sometimes she worried he cared too much as he practically devoted himself to him. One would go as far as to say he had a slight crush on the ace. His mother had known Keiji was gay since he was 12 of course she loved and accepted him but she just didn’t want him to get hurt, her only child, a living breathing resemblance of the man she loved the last thing she wanted was to lose her beloved son too. 

”People have bad days honey, it could be personal I wouldn’t take his behaviour to heart. Knowing Bokuto he’ll perk right up.” She offered him a supportive smile. “Oh that reminds me! You got a letter!” She said producing a crinkled envelope in scrawled, messy hand writing the front read-

_To Akaashi, DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 8:00PM_

Akaashi could recognise that messy penmanship any day. It belonged to none other than Koutarou Bokuto. Looking over at the clock which read 6:47pm. “I have to go. Don’t wait for me to come home, eat without me I don’t know how long I’ll be.” Akaashi said springing to his feet tugging his shoes back on. 

”Keiji? What’s going on?” She asked tilting her head to the side in concern. 

”it’s Bokuto. I think he’s going to kill himself.” Suddenly it all made sense, he bolted before his mother even had a chance to answer, his shoes pounded against the pavement as he ran as fast as he could. First he went to check the 3rd years residence, he began to hammer on the door until a very concerned looking middle aged female answered the door, she sported black hair similar shade to the streaks in Bokuto’s hair and the same glowing golden eyes. Akaashi took a few seconds to catch his breath. A few seconds lost finding Bokuto. “Mam-“ he huffed hunched over slightly before looking up at her. “Koutarou-“ he managed to puff out. “Where is he?” Bokuto’s mother’s face saddened and Akaashi already feared the worst. 

”He never came home. I assumed he was with you. He usually lets me know but I haven’t heard from him...” a man with silver hair approached the women wrapping his arms around her. 

”We were actually hoping you knew where he could be..” his father said. Keiji just shook his head. Akaashi could feel himself shaking as he brought himself to say this.

”I think Bokuto may have gone to kill himself..” He said unable to meet there distraught gazes. “I’m going to find him. I won’t let anything happen to him. Trust me.”

”Akaashi-“ Bokuto’s mother began. “Don’t put so much weight on your shoulders...if he has-“ she choked on her words her husband held her close supportively. “If he has you can’t put so much burden on yourself...” 

“I’ll find him. Trust me.” Before they could object further he had already ran off. Time was limited. He pulled out his phone to check the time. 7:13pm. He began to pick up the pace. Bokuto could be anywhere yet his legs were taking him towards the bridge. He didn’t know why but it was a gut feeling. As he approached he saw a silhouette standing on a small ledge the other side of the protective barrier. A pair of shoes neatly placed against the barrier. The closer he came the clearer the figure became, he caught a glimpse of the gorgeous golden eyes. Eyes like stars, but stars shine had vanished, they were dull no longer producing light. As his run slowed to a jog Bokuto turned to look at him his hair blowing in the wind. Seeing him so vulnerable hurt. It hurt so bad. Had he been hurting all this time? Had Akaashi not seen the signs that Bokuto was struggling? 

”Hey Akaashi” he smiled slightly there was no emphasis on his name which made him a little sad if he was honest. “What you doing out here? It’s cold huh? I don’t want you to get sick.” Bokuto continued. Was that really what Bokuto was worried about right now?

”Come on Bo...just come back over we can talk about this.” Akaashi approached slowly, moving too fast could just encourage to jump. 

”Whats there to talk about?” He asked gloomily. “That I’m a burden? That I’m worthless? Nobody would notice if I disappeared tonight..” 

“Koutarou!” Keiji snapped using the Aces first name. He could see the tears rolling down the others face. Was that really what he thought about himself? Where did his confidence go? Was it all a lie? Had it always been a lie? An act? Because what he saw now was nothing but self hatred. He wanted to bring him in and hug him. “That’s not true at all! You’re not a burden, you certainly are not worthless! Why would you say that about yourself...” Akaashi cried tears rolling down his own face now. 

”Thanks Akaashi. I needed to hear that before I died...”

”Bo please- please don’t do this..” Akaashi said. “Come on its not too late to turn around, let us help you, let me help you please Bo..” 

“I have no reason to stay.”

”Let me give you a reason to stay then.” That statement seemed to grab Bokuto’s attention. 

”Go on.” He urged.

”Me..” 

Bokuto’s face widened in surprise as he was taken back by the setters words. Clearly it was unexpected. 

”All the people that love you. Your parents, Kuroo, Kenma, Hinata, me, we all love you!” He hoped he managed to convince Bokuto to change his mind but he watched the other Male drop his hands releasing from the railing, Akaashi’s heart dropped as he lunged forward on instinct and impulse he let out a loud distressed cry grabbing one of Bokuto’s wrists. Akaashi gritted his teeth as he struggled to hold the other Male he used all his strength to try pull him back up, Bokuto had always been heavier than him, but he seemed lighter? Even so Akaashi alone wasn’t enough to drag the man he loved back to safety. He noticed blood beginning to cover Akaashi‘s hand. He had to get him up. He couldn’t let Bokuto fall he’d never forgive himself. Yet he the blood his hands slipping he couldn’t hold on forever. Thankfully a passing car stopped pulling over a well build middle aged man practically jumped out of the car rushing over to help Akaashi pull Bokuto to safety. After a minute or so they had managed to pull him over to safety. 

Akaashi pulled Bokuto close and hugged him tightly as they sat a heap on the floor, the silver haired male just looked dazed. “Do you need me to drive you to the hospital? Call an ambulance? Anything I could do to help?” The Middle Aged male asked. Akaashi knew better than to trust strangers but now it was his only chance to get Bokuto back to safety. 

“Could you drop us off at my place? That would be appreciated.” Akaashi said trying to keep his voice steady he was hardly keeping himself together. The man agreed as they helped an unsteady ace into the backseat of the car. Akaashi sat next to him inspecting his bloodied wrists, they were fresh definitely done within the last hour or so. He pressed his scarf against the wounds to prevent them bleeding Further before falling his mother. After a few rings there was an answer. Before she could say anything he was straight in. “Mom? I found him..” he said shakily. “He’s with me- I’m bringing him back to ours to clean him up. Please let his parents know he’s safe. He’s with me. I’ll explain it all to them later...my suspicions were correct.” He said before ending the call. 

Finally they arrived at Akaashi’s quaint apartment. Walking in his mother shot a sympathetic look but Bokuto couldn’t look her in the eye. “Mom can you look at Bo’s cuts?” Akaashi asked knowing full well she would being a former nurse and all. Akaashi took the opportunity to inform his parents on all the details they must be dying to know. By the time he came back Bokuto looked like his mood was improving slightly as he laughed along with his mother probably over some embarrassing story about Akaashi’s childhood. That light in his golden orbs were starting to shine again. They finished up and Bokuto followed Akaashi to his room like a lost puppy. 

Thats when Akaashi broke down dropping to Bokuto’s feet sobbing and apologising. Saying how he should’ve noticed he was feeling this way, now he should’ve done more. Bokuto crouched next to him bringing him to a hug and they just stayed like that for what felt like an hour. 

“I love you Bokuto please never leave me again..” Akaashi sniffled “I can’t lose you, you’re worth so much.” Bokuto pondered first a while not really sure what to say. 

”you’re my reason to stay.” He finally said, a real, genuine, beaming signature smile graced his features, that light, the light like stars was now back in his eyes shining brighter than ever.

”I love you too Keiji Akaashi.”

From that day, a promise was made. A promise to be honest with one another about their feelings and worries, that way they would never run into a repeat of today. There was always an up side and it did get better. 

Today they learnt how to live. 

Now Bokuto sat curled up his head resting on Akaashi’s lap, Akaashi played with strands of Bokuto’s hair whilst the other slept. His mind going back to the letter. He dragged the crumpled sheet from his pocket. The time read 9:20pm. He opened the envelope and began to read. 

_Hey, Hey, Hey Akaashi._  
_When you read this I’ll probably be dead. I know you’ll be sad. But it’s okay you’ll get over it. I’m replaceable you’ll get over me. Find yourself someone who’s less annoying, less of a burden. I’ve done nothing but cause trouble for you and I’m sorry. I guess the only thing I regret is not telling you I Love You in person. Well I do. I love you so much. Don’t dwell too much on it though. Haha I used dwell did you see that Akaashi? You taught me that. Took me a while to figure out how to use it in a sentence. But I did! Anyways. What I’m trying to say is thank you. You’ve stuck by me all this time, even though all this time I’ve been waiting for the day you’ll turn around and leave me. Like everyone else. As much as I hate to admit it..I was always prepared for the day you would up and leave me. Yet...you never did...I’m sorry Akaashi. Don’t forget me okay? But also don’t wait around find someone new. I’ll always be by your side even if you can’t see me.  
_ _Love Always,_

_Koutarou Bokuto <3_

From that day Akaashi made a silent promise to himself and Bokuto that he’d never let Bokuto feel that way about himself again, and vowed to never leave him behind and abandon him. 

**Author's Note:**

> So that’s that. :> if you would like to leave any feedback that would be nice :) just please don’t be mean >.<  
> Have a lovely day and stay safe.


End file.
